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Monday, November 23, 2009

Memoir of SPM...


SPM

So much did i think of those who are now...struggling and striving on their luck...i recall way back in 1977
Yes...that was the year when i sit for my SPM...
It was not a pleasant memoir to recall though...
It wasn't my best year...but this is the year... greatest affected my entire life...or shall i say put me into my recent career!
Having a very bad health on that year...i suffered severe coughing that put me in a difficult and unfit situation ...yet i was facing my SPM.
I didn't do much to my problem...only with common cough syrup...that did not seem much help...
I remember telling it to my basketball coach as i was the college player at that time...
I complaint that i often get tired easily during practiced...not knowing that the cough was the cause to my tiredness and gasping my way out for air...after minutes of playing...
My parents didnt know it...as they were so preoccupied with their own problems...
I still recall how i continuously was coughing during my English paper II...that i almost could not continue writing ...could not really concentrate on the paper...several times i felt so blank...and stuck ...i almost cried!
Felt so ashamed too..as i was making so much noise...
Only Allah knows how i felt at that moment...
I was in that situation..up until SPM was over...
In fact it gotten worst.

Apart from being so sick...I was actually succumbing with another ' huge stone' over my head...
and it happened long before SPM!
Its my parents...civil war was about to blast off...
i remember sneaking out of school...or rather college as we all recognized it...just to see my mum...eagerly wanting to know if she was okay...
and how i cried so much every time i met her...
i guess that was the saddest moment of my whole life episodes...
then... before i could finish my exam...i received a register letter...
Guess what!
It was from my mum...telling that she had already moved to my grandfather's house...in kampung.
What more could i hope...for a girl as timid as i am...hopeless and confused...
yet i had to finish up my exam...no matter how broken- hearted i was...
At one week at end of my SPM...i took a bus to meet my mum and the rest of my siblings at Atuk's house...only to find a much more painful sight...
i rather not tell ...as it only makes me regret every bit of my ever born in this cruel life...
Well that was what i felt at that time...
i returned to college to continue my exam...finished it somehow.
The following year was not as pleasant either...for me ..and for my mum...
My parents were divorced...
and i had to undergo treatment and hospitalized!

When the result came out...Syukur i made it. i passed all subjects...but i was not so pleased with the result.
It was okay but not good enough for me to pursue my ambition...
i felt...I could have made better.
At first the frustating feeling was devastating and tormenting...
All my hope was torn ... ripped off and shattered to pieces...
Being an MRSM's student...
I felt that i was a true failure...
I was excellent in my SRP...and was doing ok in the coming year...
but SPM...
Knowing that most of my friends made it...
Miserable...
Felt so down and depressed...i shutt almost every doors to all my friend's calls...for quite a long time...
but somehow... had to make my own move...and so i did
I was not the type of an outgoing girl actually...for i was in boarding school...
but somehow...
Life taught me to stand on my own two feet...
I was on my own...
walked up and down from stairs to another...gambling my faith...and luck...
I was offered a course in ITM(d' only Tertiary Institution available besides UM at that time)...but had to turn it down...coz i can't afford to go...

So my other choice was The teaching course...in JB...Which didn't cost me much.
I accepted it ...and so that's it...
This is the livelihood that was set By Allah for me...
I accept it with greatest Syukur!










9 comments:

  1. ...tapi kepahitan tetap lekat disanubari...cumanya tinggal sebagai pengalaman yang mendewasakan

    ReplyDelete
  2. Salam kak..

    setiap yang berlaku ada hikmah disebaliknya...

    p/s: 1977... saya belum lahir lagi masa tu :-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear hazeleyed...

    Many will ask why one must always keep harping on one’s tale of woe, there is no point whatsoever in doing that. To them, who have not sunk in the gravity of that situation, they never understand. But to us, to this day we still remember it now and then and it is albatross around our necks that won’t go away.

    The situation which you underwent be it the good one or the bad one actually makes you strong. Sometimes we just never knew it and when you begin to get hang of that, you will know that you are the creator of your own reality.

    What had happened to you, it is perhaps not fair to put the blame solely on yourself, there were so many things that might be the causes for that thing.

    The bottom line is you never know what's coming for you. I always said this that everything happens for a reason and for that reason we should be thankful enough to Allah for what he has predetermined for us. You could be mad as a mad dog at the way things went and you can swear and curse the fates
    but when it comes to the end you just have to let it go. Life being what it is, a series of intersecting lives and incidents. That what makes life interesting, isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank You Nida and Masterzizoul
    I have learned to let go...accepted the fact that...everything that happens is for a reason.Allah Knows.
    I am grateful to what i am now...but honestly speaking ,though the pain has long gone but the scar remains.

    ReplyDelete
  5. But somehow you have pulled through Kak Hazel. my eldest sister also sat for her SPM in 1977. I was 4 then. Let the bygone be bygone because life must go on. back in those days we didn't have counselling teachers who could guide us during the time of crisis. Opss..your life story can be turned into a telemovie....

    ReplyDelete
  6. Precisely juk
    ...and i wonder what would the title of the telemovie be?Hahaha

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  7. Hello Hazel, Live your life with no excuses, love with no regrets....our life today is not a dress rehearsal, we only get to play one round.
    I was never good at my studies, always scraped thru....I made my mother very Religious too praying for me.

    Sometimes our moon and stars not in right alignment and fate open its cards where and how our future will be.
    I worked, got laid off, got into some not worth mentioning companies, but all the time had that positive ambitions....and one day, fate opened a new card, I made it, having a dream job.

    Stay positive Hazel....right now what you doing is outstanding. Lee.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you so much Uncle Lee
    ...for a very conforting advice.
    At the age of reaching 50...what more can i wish for other than the well being of my family and friends...TQ TQ TQ

    ReplyDelete

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